bitter spell

Your in so much misery

Drowning in your hatred

Your warmth is turning into

a black winter.

I Cry, SCREAM, tell you what your worth

But, you don't hear me

You will never hear me

Will i lose you?

My heart swells with empathy
I'm losing my firt love

You may feel lonely but, I'm the
one left alone.

Ink blot test

I find myself at a emotional crossroad once again..I fill my heart with tearful banter I let these eyes drip with tears. I'm unlucky. what is luck. just random ways the world acts out in favor towards you? I dont want the "worlds" favor... I'm so fed up with my own thoughts my own voice at times. I hate vanity yet find everyone I surround myself with is beyond vain. where does that leave me? My words are as vacant as my mind. I don't remember the last time I made sense to myself.....If one's self is suppose to make sense. this writing is erratic but I cant process any other way. where is my heart God where is my mind. images have been haunting me. my days are filled with mysteries. my soul is heavy it aches for God's answers. I want to understand love, life the meaning of this life and love. If I haven't lost my mind yet I'm definitely at the peak. depression what is the point of depression? millions of people in the world suffer from it..........there is no point ... depression is a disease like everything else infecting this world. I honestly am so confused ..afraid, I have no idea I'm tired. and weak..........my sisters see me as strong but I am not.... just this fragile person. having been taped back together so many times that I don't even recognize my shape. Im writing tonight locked away in a friends room.. away from music from people I find I'm most comfortable in loneliness where I don't have to worry of what people think of me or how to play wright my way through the night. i dont want to be a character of myself. just myself. I feel like I have so much to offer but with no vengeance to show it. I lack the drive in fear of what? I just want to sleep................ and no Im not talking about death. but rest in God to find the peace where I am in slumber. I will probably end my night in reading screwtape letters and remind myself why I struggle with these things daily......... it all goes so beyond me. sometimes I wish though... that the painter could speak to its canvas. Or I to the painter..... and I could suggest blue skies instead of grey.

scorpion

pictures of you make my heart faint

I think of you

I loathe the weakness you turn me into

I hate you but never stopped loving you

you are my fatality in every way

when will this disillusionment come clear

your my past and I need my present.

when will i be free from you

its been months..maybe years

time blurs memories are faded

when will i be free

submerged.

I wish i could just scream with every ounce of power i have...scream to be able and release this over exasperated feeling of hurt,pain,hate..anxiety.. I am beyond the mental frustration from these past months..realizing i have been living my life according to self pity of past and present experiences.. for what reason? i ask. i continue to bring these things on myself do i not?.. I keep telling myself that i am almost at a breakthrough..that i can almost look into the mirror and understand what is being see.. but instead i encounter self destruction because of someone else' words..or even my own.i really wish i didnt have responsibilities and that i could just lay in my bed...soaked in my captivated misery...that no one would have to see it across my face and ask me questions...that i wouldn't have to fake self assurance..that i could actually know what that emotion means ..assured.. i won't find this in friends..or family or one man but in God..in myself.

in peoples faces i tend to see my own flaws...like their piercing through every part of my body...and intuitively knowing i am walking and breathing imperfection. the realization that you have this knowledge within yourself is more emotionally crippling than instant freedom, and believeing in the absolute is almost humourous . i should never strive to be perfect for i will always be dissapointed.

Reality is a bitch.

and you are?

I'm sitting here in a bookstore coffee in hand with so many books to read yet, I found myself being hypnotized by a small little poetry journal.
Many times I have read these words and them having no alternative impact

but, as I turned each page i felt as if some stranger was reaching into my chest ripping pages of my heart throwing them on display for this whole cafe to see.

In this unexpected caption of "me" my hands can't seem to stay still and as i listen to my i pod every song keeps encouraging my nostalgic state.
I read every word as it were the first time
from a different author that i related so strongly too. I wanted to jump in and shake this person and tell them " He doesn't love you." "your dad left for a reason.", "she was an awful friend."

This impact on my psyche is a revolutionizing state of mind. My body has tiny vibrations running from my toes through my spine.

it's inexplicable.
I am hungry to know more about her?
this poet..this writer..

She seems as if she could boldly state who she is with
no remorse of human existence.
If only we could be one.

maybe she'll find me someday lost in a book with my music with my coffee my mess and confusion, maybe she'll tell me authenticity is still alive within the bruises.
that she found how to love herself, to love others...to love God.
and maybe just maybe she will assertively say "look into my eyes beyond the color, beyond the lashes..and what is it you can see.?"

and when i muster the courage to do so
the skies will open and i will finally realize this
mysterious woman is me.

José González - Crosses (Live)

Simply the truth i need.

erratic vapor

Trying to find new words to speak...trying to find a new upgraded version of that girl i see vaguely through the mirror..she seems almost tangible yet unreachable i know this from experience. why do i always feel persecuted by the ones that mean the most to me?...is it lasting effects from my childhood..I have seemed to ignore?..
I want to love easily...how you love. if only. you could show me... your word speaks it..but still i am hungry for more...i love but it almost seems melted...unstable.. I need you to be my backbone when i seem to lack one..at times it seems almost often...than rare.
The only way i find you is through music..i know there are more ways..but when i find you...when i finally listen..I am weak i have to admit..i am vulgar at times.. stubborn dare i say ignorant ...all these flaws i possess. i come to you in my most intimate times..pleading for forgiveness you have already given me..

can i ask for help?..i know i have but again..i ask for help. i want to view this world with unprocessed eyes.. and now i am back to step one reversing things I've said i find myself filled with anger...my voice is never good enough. my words seem redundant and selfish.. where will i find this strength you say we gain through you? anytime now would be great!....

can i ask for help? I know I have but again.. I ask for help. to view my life with a noble heart. to let love in...to trust myself...to trust you. my words seem never good enough.. where can i find this strength you say we gain?

..soon i hope..soon i pray