I wish i could just scream with every ounce of power i have...scream to be able and release this over exasperated feeling of hurt,pain,hate..anxiety.. I am beyond the mental frustration from these past months..realizing i have been living my life according to self pity of past and present experiences.. for what reason? i ask. i continue to bring these things on myself do i not?.. I keep telling myself that i am almost at a breakthrough..that i can almost look into the mirror and understand what is being see.. but instead i encounter self destruction because of someone else' words..or even my own.i really wish i didnt have responsibilities and that i could just lay in my bed...soaked in my captivated misery...that no one would have to see it across my face and ask me questions...that i wouldn't have to fake self assurance..that i could actually know what that emotion means ..assured.. i won't find this in friends..or family or one man but in God..in myself.
in peoples faces i tend to see my own flaws...like their piercing through every part of my body...and intuitively knowing i am walking and breathing imperfection. the realization that you have this knowledge within yourself is more emotionally crippling than instant freedom, and believeing in the absolute is almost humourous . i should never strive to be perfect for i will always be dissapointed.
Reality is a bitch.
