Ink blot test

I find myself at a emotional crossroad once again..I fill my heart with tearful banter I let these eyes drip with tears. I'm unlucky. what is luck. just random ways the world acts out in favor towards you? I dont want the "worlds" favor... I'm so fed up with my own thoughts my own voice at times. I hate vanity yet find everyone I surround myself with is beyond vain. where does that leave me? My words are as vacant as my mind. I don't remember the last time I made sense to myself.....If one's self is suppose to make sense. this writing is erratic but I cant process any other way. where is my heart God where is my mind. images have been haunting me. my days are filled with mysteries. my soul is heavy it aches for God's answers. I want to understand love, life the meaning of this life and love. If I haven't lost my mind yet I'm definitely at the peak. depression what is the point of depression? millions of people in the world suffer from it..........there is no point ... depression is a disease like everything else infecting this world. I honestly am so confused ..afraid, I have no idea I'm tired. and weak..........my sisters see me as strong but I am not.... just this fragile person. having been taped back together so many times that I don't even recognize my shape. Im writing tonight locked away in a friends room.. away from music from people I find I'm most comfortable in loneliness where I don't have to worry of what people think of me or how to play wright my way through the night. i dont want to be a character of myself. just myself. I feel like I have so much to offer but with no vengeance to show it. I lack the drive in fear of what? I just want to sleep................ and no Im not talking about death. but rest in God to find the peace where I am in slumber. I will probably end my night in reading screwtape letters and remind myself why I struggle with these things daily......... it all goes so beyond me. sometimes I wish though... that the painter could speak to its canvas. Or I to the painter..... and I could suggest blue skies instead of grey.

scorpion

pictures of you make my heart faint

I think of you

I loathe the weakness you turn me into

I hate you but never stopped loving you

you are my fatality in every way

when will this disillusionment come clear

your my past and I need my present.

when will i be free from you

its been months..maybe years

time blurs memories are faded

when will i be free

submerged.

I wish i could just scream with every ounce of power i have...scream to be able and release this over exasperated feeling of hurt,pain,hate..anxiety.. I am beyond the mental frustration from these past months..realizing i have been living my life according to self pity of past and present experiences.. for what reason? i ask. i continue to bring these things on myself do i not?.. I keep telling myself that i am almost at a breakthrough..that i can almost look into the mirror and understand what is being see.. but instead i encounter self destruction because of someone else' words..or even my own.i really wish i didnt have responsibilities and that i could just lay in my bed...soaked in my captivated misery...that no one would have to see it across my face and ask me questions...that i wouldn't have to fake self assurance..that i could actually know what that emotion means ..assured.. i won't find this in friends..or family or one man but in God..in myself.

in peoples faces i tend to see my own flaws...like their piercing through every part of my body...and intuitively knowing i am walking and breathing imperfection. the realization that you have this knowledge within yourself is more emotionally crippling than instant freedom, and believeing in the absolute is almost humourous . i should never strive to be perfect for i will always be dissapointed.

Reality is a bitch.