and you are?

I'm sitting here in a bookstore coffee in hand with so many books to read yet, I found myself being hypnotized by a small little poetry journal.
Many times I have read these words and them having no alternative impact

but, as I turned each page i felt as if some stranger was reaching into my chest ripping pages of my heart throwing them on display for this whole cafe to see.

In this unexpected caption of "me" my hands can't seem to stay still and as i listen to my i pod every song keeps encouraging my nostalgic state.
I read every word as it were the first time
from a different author that i related so strongly too. I wanted to jump in and shake this person and tell them " He doesn't love you." "your dad left for a reason.", "she was an awful friend."

This impact on my psyche is a revolutionizing state of mind. My body has tiny vibrations running from my toes through my spine.

it's inexplicable.
I am hungry to know more about her?
this poet..this writer..

She seems as if she could boldly state who she is with
no remorse of human existence.
If only we could be one.

maybe she'll find me someday lost in a book with my music with my coffee my mess and confusion, maybe she'll tell me authenticity is still alive within the bruises.
that she found how to love herself, to love others...to love God.
and maybe just maybe she will assertively say "look into my eyes beyond the color, beyond the lashes..and what is it you can see.?"

and when i muster the courage to do so
the skies will open and i will finally realize this
mysterious woman is me.

José González - Crosses (Live)

Simply the truth i need.

erratic vapor

Trying to find new words to speak...trying to find a new upgraded version of that girl i see vaguely through the mirror..she seems almost tangible yet unreachable i know this from experience. why do i always feel persecuted by the ones that mean the most to me?...is it lasting effects from my childhood..I have seemed to ignore?..
I want to love easily...how you love. if only. you could show me... your word speaks it..but still i am hungry for more...i love but it almost seems melted...unstable.. I need you to be my backbone when i seem to lack one..at times it seems almost often...than rare.
The only way i find you is through music..i know there are more ways..but when i find you...when i finally listen..I am weak i have to admit..i am vulgar at times.. stubborn dare i say ignorant ...all these flaws i possess. i come to you in my most intimate times..pleading for forgiveness you have already given me..

can i ask for help?..i know i have but again..i ask for help. i want to view this world with unprocessed eyes.. and now i am back to step one reversing things I've said i find myself filled with anger...my voice is never good enough. my words seem redundant and selfish.. where will i find this strength you say we gain through you? anytime now would be great!....

can i ask for help? I know I have but again.. I ask for help. to view my life with a noble heart. to let love in...to trust myself...to trust you. my words seem never good enough.. where can i find this strength you say we gain?

..soon i hope..soon i pray

Red - Breathe Into Me

Abstract Chic

Passionate..random..loud..sarcastic.outgoing but shy..musician.writer.dancer. atress. I look at life in colors..and even though we all have those days..where life seems impossible..work is overwhelming..friends seem to dissipate.. we all find our glimmer of hope somewhere..and for me is singing..being creative..open my imagination..life gets to seriously some times..so I am on my way of finding the Joy of it once again..being able to laugh or scream as loud as i can..not caring what anyone else is thinking...willing to not take myself to seriously anymore..I think some of us are sometimes raised..so over analytical..make sure others don't "view" us in the wrong way..always make sure you look presentable to (Others) standards..which all of this might be fine..but i rather walk to my own beat..if someone doesn't like my style well don't worry about it...your not wearing it ha! if someone thinks i'm to loud...well move over...the point of a comedy movie is too laugh by the way :) hellllllllllllooooo people I really hope to become someone who is recognized for authenticity rather than status...fame doesn't last...money doesn't make you happy... being who you are...and who your meant to be..is far more self re-warding than anything the world can offer..these are just my thoughts.. of what we shouldn't be afraid of being..
of finding that intricate piece of ourselves..of life's puzzle..
I know it will be worth it.

Questions seem eternal

Have you ever looked back and just think why the hell did i do that??? why did i lose that friendship....why did i push them away..or push myself away?...I probably could of been a better friend,sister,daughter,coworker....etc.. These are the questions i find myself filled with lately..I cant help but, find myself looking at pictures of old friends...the memories...the laughter..tears.. and betrayal.. Sometimes you find yourself hating who you have become.. knowing these experiences make you a better person..but still you have this big blank check that says VOID...inside of you.. some people think that means low self esteem or some religious reason...but isn't it just you?..me..us... humanity.. our trapped hearts unwilling to let go.. when will we be able to get to that point of telling that person..friend sister whatever that we are sorry...we should of tried harder ...we should of understood..to not criticize..not judge..just be there for each other.. why is this idea so hard for people to soak up?...its not brain surgery right?..or maybe it is I want to become this person again...who was so forgiving..uderstanding..I want to let go of the bitterness from my past.. because.. if you think about it how will anyone ever find any type of happiness when they can't let go of those things or people..or situations.. that they hated?.. what is the cost we will put on our friendships..our relationships?...will we ever realize its worth until its to late?